Smoking a new kind of Awesome

  Here’s the deal. For such a long time all I ever knew was how to be miserable.  In fact, I took being miserable to such an extreme that I could have just as well left a trail of black, oozy, fowl smelling, toxic trail behind me.  I smoked over 40 cigarettes a day, ate so much junk, looked like a fat blob with tits and teeth and just hated myself.  I believed I had nothing to offer the world being such a talentless misery.

Then I changed 1 thing in my life. The one thing that I felt I could not live without, something I could not ever give up because it had the biggest grip on me and caused me the most anxiety to separate myself from.  I decided to quit smoking.

I believed that if I could conquer the death grip that cigarettes had on me, well then fuck me bitch, I will be invincible! Today is day 114….I’m not only stronger than I gave myself credit for, I fucking kick ass!

After that, I realized I had no excuse to hide behind to not lose the weight. So I did just that.  But that was harder than I initially anticipated and as it turned out food had an even bigger grip on me than cigarettes.  Clearly I needed help.  I needed guidance, I needed a kick up the ass and I need support.  There was such a deep need to surround myself with other people facing the same shit show I am because let’s face it, people need people to thrive.

I stumbled upon a woman on Facebook named Kelly Stegen and she just happened to be an online diet and fitness coach. JACKPOT! I did not even know that something like that even existed and for anyone who knows me, if I can’t do it online then fuck it, it aint getting done!  I did not even hesitate to sign up for her program and turns out that it was the second best decision I made.  Not only has my diet changed and the fat starting to vanish, my attitude changed…. my LIFE changed.

Fast forward and I’m sitting here writing this drivel in a five star Hotel at Emperor’s Palace. Now I understand that for a lot of people sitting in a five star hotel is an everyday experience or probably even mediocre at best.  Or that having a rich circle of friends who are successful, passionate and driven are the only type of humans they hang out with.  Well, for me that is not the case.  I’m just a simple person, living in a simple town, in as simple house with… no wait, the close friends I have are not simple, they’re all fucking awesome.  I have no airs or graces, no fake attitude to try and impress anyone… and my potty mouth probably gets me more slaps on the wrist to the extent that I’ve probably developed an unhealthy fetish for it.

I’m just a plain Jane and so a five star hotel and awesome people is like taking shit to another level for me and so you can imagine how my tiny brain started twitching when I had the privilege to meet my coach in person at her first seminar.

What an amazing woman! There are no words to describe how it feels to be in the presence of someone you admire and respect so much. I totally felt like a groupie while hanging out with her and her amazing friend Angela and their significant others.  I tried so hard to be cool and funny so that she would like me, but in reality I was just a star struck blob of jelly trying not to piss on the floor like an over excited puppy.

She’s funny, she’s real, and she’s bubbly and has such an infectious air of “I Rock” around her. I love that, I want to be that, man can we convert that shit to powder so I can snort it up? No, we can’t so this is now where it becomes hard for me.

She asked me to say a little something about my journey on her program so I agreed with much protest and let’s face it, you don’t say no to awesome.

What an experience! I was so shit scared to stand in front of so many women and talk about myself. Like asseblief, who gives a fuck about me?  The funny thing was I actually know them!  I converse with them several times a day on our Facebook Group.  They’ve seen me in my underwear, fat hanging out for all of them to judge.   We’re like a family!

The kak part was trying to recognize them all and I felt so much pressure to like be on a one on one level with them all and make them all feel recognized, validated even so I literally scrolled through all the profile pics and tried to memorize names to faces…and ….and felt so bad that they all knew who the fuck I was with my loud mouth… epic mission….total fail, fucked that up. Now might also be a good time to advise you to never use me as a finger pointer in a suspect line up.

Anyhoo, there I was standing, totally without a prepared speech, rambling on. I sure as hell don’t even remember what I said thinking back.  I only recall having brain farts and feeling my tongue starting to flap around my mouth like a fish out of water.  I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone… what a fuck up.

When I was done I was so relieved and just aimed for my chair to get myself out of the spotlight! I think it must have looked like I was busy sucking my chair up my arse, that’s how fast I hit my chair.

All of this is still fine and there are a lot of people who do this kind of shit and deal with it.

What sent me over the edge and totally confused me and left me wandering around the hotel like a lost and aimless fart were a couple of teeny weeny but fucking major to me, instances that transpired during all this morning’s activities.

First thing was when Kelly asked me to sit up front with her and Angela. Get the fuck outa town? Really? Me?  Seriously, I couldn’t do that, I’m not famous…. Only famous people sit at the front.

Next thing was when one of the cool girls and one of my many favourites on the group asked, nay persistently insisting that we take a selfie together… eh hem, again, get the fuck outa town! Why would anyone willingly put their face next to my ugly gevreet?

After that, one of my best friends who I admire to hell and back and love so much told me how proud she was of me and that she totally loves the new version of me. I love that bitch so much, she made me cry. Actually I couldn’t keep myself from hugging her today! Like I should have found some Velcro strips so that I could just keep her with me always, she’s that good for my soul.

It gets worse! Whilst standing there wiping the tears off my face, this cute little human comes up to me from the left field and says to me that she’s on the Facebook Group and that I must please just not ever leave the group. Why would you do that to me? Like now my heart just wants to burst out of my chest…..

I’m so overwhelmed by all this attention I can literally not know what the fuck to do with it or how to process it. So totally unnecessary because I’m just me, I say it as I see it and people might not agree with how I see it, but I’m super humbled that there are some who even think they like me and stuff and fluff! *sorry, brain fart alert, just fan it away, it will pass*

Having said all the above, it might seem like I’m complaining or even slightly ungrateful, but in fact I have nothing but love and respect for every single woman that was there because them being there means they made a decision to fight for themselves and for change! I am proud of all of them because as a woman, its a tough fight and it should not be fought alone.  (Not to say that the ladies that were not there because of geographic restrictions or any other kind, don’t deserve my respect…. calm down)  They’re all special and I love all their faces!  Little fuckers crept into my heart.  So I’m beyond honoured and super blessed to be part of their journey and for them being even remotely interested in mine.

I will now end this post by mentioning why people should not trust me or my level of intelligence and how in true form, how fucking stupid I can be and most likely only confirms that I need to stop snorting Tik behind my fridge.

Switching my common sense off and wholeheartedly agreeing to get into a bikini and get into a roman bath at the hotel spa with a woman who could probably dead lift me and came 4^th at the SA Championship because her ass is all that!  Oh and taking selfies with a pro, not stressful at all!

Anyways, I just want to know what the fuck happened? All I did was quit smoking?

#JustSaying

PS! To the awesome lady who sponsored me a room at the hotel, Cornelia Van Niekerk, bitch I owe you my sanity! Love you always

From left to right,

“Gimme a selfie now!” , “Watch me make this clown cry” , “Spot the fat goof between the Pro’s”