17 May 2014. Welcome to #JustSaying @ HellMel.com. I know, it’s not a very snazzy date. “WTF?” you ask, okay, let me explain. This date will go down in history as the day I finally started an official blog. Whether or not this will be a success story or an epic failure, time will only tell.
I’ll start off by saying that I am by no means an author, hell I don’t even have the first clue about how to blog like a pro. Not even sure punctuation will be featured in the correct places. All I know is, a handful of people have told me over the years “Hey, you should write a book” or “you should write a blog, you’re funny”…. I guess friends have to be nice like that right? Well I’m making those mother fucker’s dreams come true.
Now before you get all “Oh no! Not another human writing shit about shit on the internet” and navigate yourself off this page, let me just say, I totally agree! I mean who wants to hear about my sordid past, my boring daily life in a shitty town in South Africa? My crappy job, my non-existent sex life, my two bratty kids, my ancient husband in a wheelchair, my schizophrenic brother, my perfect sister, my grumpy mom, the dogs, the cat, my neighbwhores (that’s for another blog on another day), no surely not you? The cold hard fact is, my face and voice are not conducive to a successful YouTube channel so I need to stick to writing shit down…
Then of course there may be a small chance you do want to hear about the shit I deal with on a daily basis and find some comedic relief and realise your life isn’t half as fucking bad as you thought it was, if you were to compare (which I wouldn’t recommend). Or maybe you just want to find out how the hell to charge your phone, where to switch on a computer, how to download Apps, what is an App even? Yes, I can do tech shit like that and I can teach you in a very “dumb dumb want some gum gum” way…Perhaps we will even dabble in some Astrology….or form opinions about shit I have no clue about.
My closing argument is this. If you are standing somewhere feeling like a lost fart and you just need to be on your phone surfing some random shit so you look like you are super cool and have a gazillion emails and a Facebook fan base the size of a small country, feel free to stick around and read something for real. Who knows, you might laugh, you might cry, you might gasp in disbelief “Hell Mel….no you did not just say that?!” Guaranteed, I just did.
I say it as I see it, I swear like a sailor and I make no apologies for it. Admittedly I have the worst attitude to life and half the time I’m really just begging for sympathy votes. If you like sarcasm, wit, humour I implore you to stay and read. If you are a stuck up asshole, then rather just close your browser now. Whichever option you choose, ask yourself “Does Mel really give a continental flying duck?” and the answer will be….Fuck no!